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10 Things You Can Do With Zero Talent Or Skill
I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d try to play with my kids. I’d try to read. To learn! Anything. Any f***ing thing. Nothing. Ugh. “Kids always make you happier!” Everyone would lie to me. What a piece of...
View Article5 Reasons I Don’t Go to Doctors
I haven’t had a checkup since I was 16 years old. Not because I’m so healthy. But because doctors kill people. On paper, being a doctor seems pretty great. The money is good, it makes everyone around...
View ArticleThe Autobiography of My Meditation
I wanted to see women naked. But I was too ugly. I was 12. I had a cyst so big I could Airbnb it out if I had it now. I had acne all over my face. My hair was tangled like dreadlocks. My glasses were...
View ArticlePerson, Places, or Things?
My friend wanted to be a famous artist. But she said, “I can do it in Paris. I feel that will inspire me.” She had unopened paintbrushes in her apartment. Waiting to be packed. Twenty years later,...
View ArticleHow to Be an Ultimate Fighter
“This tube you see coming out of me is directly connected to my heart and pumps liquid into it, tricking my heart into thinking it’s OK.” I had asked the cab driver what that machine was. I saw the...
View ArticleFecal Matter and Zen Will Make You Better
If you take the fecal matter of a thin rat and put it into the rectum of a fat rat, the fat rat gets thinner. If you take the fecal matter of a fat rat and put it into the rectum of a thin rat, the...
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Self-Help Dictators, Stillness, and Altucher’s Book Club!
Kim Il-sung killed millions of people while supreme leader of North Korea for 50 years. “People only get free from oppression through struggle.”–Kim Il-sung. Kim Il-sung was the self-help, failure-porn...
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What You Need to Know About the Coronavirus
I’m trying a new thing that’s important to me. There’s constant fear mongering on tons of issues. When Iran got in the news, my kids were worried it was the end of the world and they would be drafted....
View Article10 Years a Drug Addict
In 2010 I became a full-blown drug addict. I had gotten divorced a few years earlier. I’d been broke at least three times by 2010. I had lost two homes by then. I had failed at many businesses. Many...
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Don’t Be Better… Be “The Only”
A few months ago, we gave my daughter race car driving lessons… She got into a Formula 2 car with an instructor and after many lessons she now has a race car driving license. In her first race, she...
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